When I first came across
hnt I didn't think I would stick with it. Then the mix of folks began to sink in and take hold: sweet, brazen, raunchy, shy, intimate, talented, amateur, kinky, vanilla, polished, crude, sophisticated, friendly, fat, thin, voluptuous, sexy. I soon realized that none really are as fat as me, a 309 pound (at last week's doctor visit) woman. Or if they are, they're hiding it well.
That's what we do, fat people. We hide. Silly isn't it. Women who aren't fat think they're fat. I'm sure more than a few of the HNTers will read this and breathe a sigh of relief, "At least I'm not
that fat." American women will hide how much they eat, will refrain from eating in public, will have a warped idea of how much we really do eat, all because when we're growing into our naturally voluptuous bodies as teens we're told how much we don't fit in this tight little box. The reasons for Americans' collective growth in size are complex, including sedentary work, play, and an abundance of food. But those reasons also include shame, sexism, fear of sexuality, yo-yo dieting, poverty, and the harmful diet culture.
When I was a teen I learned to hide how much I ate. The thing is, I didn't really eat a whole lot, but every mouthful I ate was something that I thought made me fatter. I didn't eat all day long, would snack after school, and eat a normal dinner. The one time in my life I successfully dieted, I lost 20 pounds in a month by eating 300-900 calories a day and doing aerobics every day. The very act of hiding that I ate at all made each mouthful a guilty non-pleasure, and made food my addiction of choice.
When I took up a Buddhist meditation practice I found my own wise inner voice, and began to hear the message that my weight was not the problem, it was a symptom. It was time to stop dieting and get to the root of the problem. In various ways I learned to stop hiding, and in various ways I found myself. It could be said that was the root of the problem, not knowing myself. Another deep-rooted problem, not loving myself. Actually, I suppose those two things are one and the same. I was beginning to love myself when I refused to diet for my significant other.
Another gift my Buddhist practice gave me is clarity to see myself. During meditation retreats, where we face the wall for hours, where we do not meet the eyes of others, do not speak unless unavoidable, there is no hiding. I noticed that even though I was the fattest one there, when we served ourselves at the silent meals, I did not take more food than the other skinny ones, and I was not holding back. Recognizing that each morsel of food was simply my fair share, not more, not less, this too became essential to recovering from this my warped karma with food.
I have come to love many aspects of my large body. Isn't it odd that we love big boobs and big asses in sexual images, but these must be on little bodies. Here I am with those assets naturally. To this day I have a hard time seeing my whole physical body and liking it, even while I can look at a woman the same size and find her beautiful. I am not alone. I hear women who are less than half my size complain about certain parts of their bodies. There are women who cannot enjoy any bit of deliciously sweet or fat food without apologizing for being so decadent.
My Buddhist practice gave me the gift of enjoying this present moment. When I eat, I eat, and if it is delicious, I enjoy it. Why waste that precious moment? The more satisfying it is, the less I am inclined to want something more to eat later. In a way, feeling guilt over each bite of food is like not eating at all. Most of all, I think guilt makes us fat, and collectively as a nation we are shamefully prosperous.
I've tried to pack a lot into a short message...we're talking years of recovery from skewed food and body image. I hope with half naked thursday I can continue to see my whole physical self and find a way to show its beauty. When I look in this mirror, not only will I look at the assets I know people like, I will look at the bits that the eye usually avoids. I will explore how I can show only bits (the half of half-naked) and still show the whole. Not sure I can do that skillfully but I'll give it a whirl.
And I will continue to eat ice cream in public. I made this tonight with organic cream and half-and-half along with dark chocolate covered pretzels, enjoying it quickly before it melted. Click on the photo for the rest of the picture.
Next week I visit New York again, (Woo! ;) so I'll probably miss another hnt, but I'll come back with some great new pics I hope.
10 12 06
